1.10.99

You’re asleep in my arms on the airplane heading home from a 10 day visit to LA where you charmed your aunts and grandparents, met your friend Harper and seemed to enjoy the warm. The first time you rode in the car with the windows open you reminded me of the dogs who love to ride with their heads out the window, or, more appropriately like a movie starlet in a convertible – eyes closed, neck arched back and a blissful expression on your face. You smile a lot now – usually in the morning which seems like a particularly happy time for you. Rubbing your belly and close face-to-face attention seem to please you particularly. Your Uncle David and I were play fighting and got what felt like your first real laugh out of you. Then several days later, Nana’s silliness and my eating your feet elicited the same.

On Friday night, your Dad and I went to the symphony leaving you with Grandpa and Nana and Dave. Somehow leaving you in the evening with your Dad was harder than leaving you with Joyce – it was the first time we’ve been together without you, and you’ve become so much of us that I felt bereft – incomplete. Still, the performance was good (though I was a bit tired from walking with you from 3-5 am the night before – you wide awake, but not unhappy, me wishing we lived in LA so I could walk you and show you the lights of the valley and let you feel the warm soft air – and it was a treat to be out and about, with you with people who love you and us with the pleasure of returning to you. Especially nice for me to return to your intimate suckle. My favorite now is when you have your eyes wide open – alert and intent on a workmanlike suck – like an artist maybe, deep in the throes of satisfying, serious work.

Dad’s entry:

On the plane – your mom was brave. There was turbulence and she doesn’t like to fly anyways, but you helped her focus. Just changed you in our seats, you’re very accommodating, pretty much all ways. We didn’t so much decide that it was the right time to have you, as know. Know in a gentle, tentative way. Accepting that it was right, together, we were always sure, not really knowing “sure” of what, but knowing. Never a question  in our varied looks at one another, never a question before, during or after. It was just your time and our time, the three of us. We weren’t ever completely sure of ourselves, or what to do, or what we thought would happen, but we knew things were right. What fun. So what do I expect? What do I want to happen? I keep thinking of watching you discover things and hoping I might be the one to introduce some favorites. Like books, I remember discovering some great books, I can’t wait ’til you do. It was so much fun to watch you take your first bath (I love baths and I love to swim) your eyes lit up and you froze. You weren’t sure if it was good or bad. Then you seemed to concentrate, paying attention to all the sensations. You were in with your mom. I got a cup and she gently poured warm water over your shoulders. You were all alert, not a cry, even when I got some water in your eyes. It was so much fun and it got me thinking of all the other adventures to come. When I proposed to your mommy, I wrote out a promise that she would always eat well. I love to watch her face when it shows pleasure and she knows good food. When I get it right it’s so much fun. I’ve been thinking about feeding you. Your mom gets all the fun now, I can’t wait for my turn. What your mom loves best is simple things, like for example, when we were in Hawaii, in a mango forest, we found the perfect mango drops, full of flavor, red and shiny with how much sugar they had and on Vinalhaven we had mussels which we collected ourselves, cooked in white wine and leeks and some beautiful fresh diced tomatoes. And often in Vermont and New Hampshire we’d find wild apples with strong wonderful tastes, one once like a lemony banana. It brought a beautiful smile to her face. I wonder what it will be with you? The lake at Camp, a perfect strawberry (or like your ma, raspberries), vanilla ice cream and maple syrup. What joys can I help you discover, and which ones will you discover on your own and then bring to me?

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